Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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