I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
