Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
