I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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