Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
