Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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