I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
