I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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