no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
