I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i dont even know how to be here
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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