I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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