That's intense
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
