and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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