You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
