Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
