it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
