I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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