I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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