You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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