i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
