I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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