She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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