Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize