Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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