the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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