U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
