fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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