Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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