Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
