He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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