Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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