Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
