Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
