Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
