I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
