I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
