I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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