I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
