Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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