I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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