Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
