the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
