forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
