I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
