Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
