im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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