Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
