Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
