it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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