Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
