Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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