i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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