so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
