She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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