Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
