I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
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I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
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I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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