my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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