You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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