i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
