I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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